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On farting in an MRI [Nov. 8th, 2014|10:08 am]

taibhse_fiach
This seemed right up our alley...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elaine-ambrose/dont-fart-during-an-mri_b_6044578.html
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(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2014|09:58 am]

babybeluga2003
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]

Inspired by the dog horror story from yesterday:
The day my cat explodedCollapse )

Xena came and saw me after she got cleaned up, she was fine after that, very tumbly and affectionate as usual, and she's never done that again, though she still goes into full-blown banshee mode each time she goes in a car. And my mom is hardcore as fuck. 
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a real shit show.... [Oct. 31st, 2014|06:02 pm]

findyourgun
My mom says I'll laugh about this next week.

cut for length. and shit.Collapse )
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(no subject) [Oct. 15th, 2014|09:59 pm]

da_mousey
The belly button is at it again. I'm so pissed off and frustrated. It was pretty bad this time...the skin all around the outside was swollen, red, and hot to the touch.  Lots and lots of discharge, dark red/brown. Lots. It's been an hour and it's still draining, I change my gauze every couple of minutes or so. I was going to call in the morning to get a doctor's appointment but I feel like there's no point. My poor NP keeps referring me to surgeons and she's really trying to help, but the surgeons just blow me off and do nothing. Three consults, zero permanent solution. Maybe if it half kills me and they're legally obligated to, they will. I just feel like giving up on it.

UPDATE: Got a call at 8:30am, they wanted me up at the surgeon's office cause they can see me today. Okay fine. Well, I'm VERY happy with how things turned out. He decided to do what I've basically been begging them to do for 2 years. Just pack the goddamn thing. I have 10 feet of gauze in me right now. I may post a picture of the first packing change tomorrow.
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How I grossed my dad out twice in five minutes. [Sep. 16th, 2014|12:34 pm]

i_stalk_piccolo
I woke up with cramps of death and went right to the bathroom to let out the gushes of blood and the slimy, nasty poop that usually comes with my period starting. The smell was vile since the stupid weather is making it a million degrees before 10:00am PST. The bathroom faces south and has a frosted window. Since I was seated on the pot shitting everything I ate since before birth, I couldn't reach up to open it without decorating the toilet seat with a shitball festoon. The hot bathroom spread the stink like wildfire and almost made me gag. I had to take the lemon scented tile spray out of the cupboard under the bathroom sink and spray it in the trash can near my feet just to give me something to smell besides my shit and farts.

I finished, cleaned up and opened the window to air out the bathroom. Then I flushed the toilet three times to make sure no skid marks were left in the bowl. I spritzed some of the spray in the bowl and put the lid down for good measure.

My dad went in ten minutes later and I heard him cough and gag from the smell. The heat meant the smell never really dissipated out the window.

"Ugh, it smells like you baked lemon pie in shit!" yelled dad. After he finished, he accidentally knocked over the trash can and stepped squarely on last night's blood soaked pad. He has Parkinson's with neuropathy(numbness) in his feet, so he walked by with walker, DRAGGING MY BLOODY GROSS PAD because it was stuck on the back of his heel and he couldn't feel it.

"Um, dad? Look down."

He looked down. He was horrified. "Augh! That's disgusting!"

I had to get the pad and wash the blood off his foot. He was gagging and coughing the whole time. I managed to hold my laugh in until I was safely in my bedroom again.

And that's how I grossed my dad out twice in five minutes.
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2014|03:07 am]

taibhse_fiach
Recently went on a trip to California with my now fiance and her mother. First, we went to Disneyland, then we left her mother off at a train station and went to my old hometown of San Diego. During this trip, I came to wish that online hotel reviews also had a rating of the toilets.

When I drop a deuce, it can be sizable - a force to be reckoned with. This can lead to embarrassing situations. In the hotel in Anaheim, the hole in the toilet was too small to handle anything much bigger than couscous. But, I rather badly needed to use it when we got there, so I took my chances, hoping that this time would be a small, easy to handle load. It was, but the toilet still struggled with it, finally taking it down after several flushes. Despite my aversion to using public toilets, I found myself opting to use those at Disneyland rather than risking having to sheepishly ask for a plunger from the politely smiling, well-dressed concierge at the hotel. My fiance's mother actually thanked me for warning her about the hotel toilet when she quite suddenly had to make a run for it on the way back to our room.

In San Diego, the toilet did not look promising. Like the one in Anaheim, the hole seemed too small to handle much more than couscous. A flush, however, proved otherwise. This thing could quite likely launch a Soviet foxtrot class submarine through its undersized torpedo tube! I breathed a sigh of relief, secure in my knowledge that I would not be needing to ask for a plunger during this stay.

We ended up having to make an unscheduled stop at one final hotel on our way back home, due to traffic conditions. I was tired and not feeling great. Initial assessment of the toilet - weak flush, large, ahem, torpedo tube. I took my chances, as I didn't have a lot of choice, and it felt as though it would likely be diarrhea. Well, the torpedo tube jammed. Extra flushes didn't do it. I ended up having to sheepishly call the front desk, the person there already being exhausted by the sudden influx of guests due to the interstate closure that brought us there. That toilet could handle perhaps one square of toilet paper. Anything more, and you were taking a gamble.
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Giant assbaby turd [Sep. 10th, 2014|11:04 pm]

i_stalk_piccolo
[Tags|]

Whenever I'm close to my period, my poop takes on a particularly slippery consistency. About twenty minutes ago I sat on the pot and had a cascade of the usual turds plopping out one after the other like an assembly line.

Then the rhythm breaks and I feel pressure in my asshole. Way more than usual. I push, I feel it start to nudge out, I squeeze my muscles to try and pinch it out.

It went back in.

Fuck.

This went on several times over a period of twenty minutes. My body tried to force this thing out, I pushed and every time I thought it was almost out, it wouldn't pinch off and went back in. That cold feeling of wet turd after being exposed to the air sliding back into my asshole almost made me gag a few times.

I realized I needed to change position. Thusly, I took off both my underwear and the sundress I was wearing. It's really humid where I am and I was getting all sweaty from all the effort. Not because I was hot, but because of the damn humidity. My house has no AC, so I really hate summer! I live in an area that keeps getting humid hurricane remnants. Yeaaaaaah. Anyway, I threw my underwear and dress across the clothes hamper to keep them off the floor, grabbed my knees and sort of bent over into a squat-sit position.

Not even THAT forced this monster out. I realized the roadblock might actually be my bladder and had to basically suck this turd back in YET AGAIN. I did several kegels to suck this thing back into my ass and back past the second internal sphincter. Finally, I was able to pee. I went a lot. Right after that, I pushed until I felt the blood pulsing in my eyeballs and this monster turd began to work its way out. I literally felt this thing stretching my butthole until it burned. I made noises that were a cross between whimpering and cursing this thing for making what should be a simple shit a complicated shit. But, at last, I felt the large knobby part of the turd slide out and knew I was home free. After executing a quarter-turn to the left, the monster turd launched itself out and smashed into the water with a butt-splashing PLOOSH that was followed by the rest of the smaller poops jammed behind it.

I let my hands rest on the bathroom floor while I finished pooping. The sink is right at my left in that particular bathroom, so I got the toilet paper damp with cold water to wipe my sore ass the first time. Good thing I did, it was coated in brown yuckiness that might have shredded a dry piece of tp. I used another piece to dry myself and got up to look at the shit that caused me all this misery. The big turd did have a knob on one end. It looked like a chicken drumstick with a curve right after the big, knobby part. So this THING had to do a lot of twisting and turning to reach the right angle for ejection. I guess emptying out my bladder gave it the space to turn.

I just stared at this thing for a good minute before I flushed.

What the hell, body?

Oh well, I'm glad I got rid of it!
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Why Me! [Aug. 19th, 2014|03:06 pm]

mistresswolf
[Tags|, , , , ]

I tried to edit my other post again, but it wouldn't let me.

So, it tricked me again. After a safe night, and all the next day I thought I was good. I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 11pm and knew I was bleeding again. I made it to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and went back to bed.

So now I am work at the tailor shop. I am sitting behind the front desk, waiting for customers. I have in a fresh "Super Plus" tampon and a pad. I feel fine. I don't feel like it is time to change the tampon at all. Then a customer came in and I stood up to greet her.

WHOOOOOOOSH!!! Blood came dripping out and hitting the laminate floor. I am glad that customers can't see back here! I asked if she had to try on her pants or if she knew what she wanted. She had to try them on. So I was like you can change in this changing room, I am just going to run to the back for a moment!" and I pelted back there. Took out the tampon, it was saturated and covered in a giant clot. Pad was soaked through too. I was going to just replace the pad and do the tampon later (I am morbidly obese, so it takes a bit more finesse for me to work with tampons) except there was blood all over the panties too, so a new pad wouldn't even stick for a few minutes.

I have spare panties, but they were in my backpack and that was behind the front desk... so I wadded up some toilet paper and stuffed it between my legs. I pulled up the panties just until the customer was gone and I could take care of everything properly. I had blood running down my legs too, so I quickly scrubbed at what I saw with a baby wipe... thank goodness for those things!

That all took about 30sec. I got back to the front and the customer was changed. She was really particular about her pants and I had to re-pin the hem several times until it was just right. I had to bend over a lot, but thankfully I have a little platform for customers to stand on so I don't have to get down on the floor. As I was bent over though, another customer came in. I was praying that my ankle length skirt wasn't riding up and showing any blood on my legs that I had missed.

Got the first customer changing back, the second one wanted something I didn't have so he left, then the first one was ready to be checked out. Then she wanted to pay in exact change, so she was slowly counting it out and I am fidgeting the whole time. Finally she is checked out and leaves. I hastily scrawl a "be right back" sign and tape it to the window beside the door, lock the door and fly to the bathroom, backpack in hand.

Got all cleaned up. Ugh. That was terrible. Several years ago (under a different LJ account I think) I posted a pic of a large clot. That one was abnormally large at the time and I had a comment or two saying that it looked like a miscarriage. Now all of my clots are like that and I get lots of them during one menstruation. Like, omg how much blood is up in my uterus now since I am bleeding so much during a period?!

I wish I didn't have a uterus.
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T___T [Aug. 17th, 2014|07:55 pm]

mistresswolf
[Tags|, , ]
[mood |dirtydirty]

My period is being SO UNFAIR this time. Usually it tricks me into thinking it is over and as soon as I go without a pad or tampon, it surges back when I am not expecting it.

This month it has done it... THREE TIMES.

It stops for a day and half or two and I believe it. But it hasn't done it this many times in one cycle before. T__T Ugh I keep ruining underwear.

edit: I am terrified to go to bed... I keep passing giant clots and bleeding through "super plus" tampons and my backup "super, long" maxi pad.
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The Oatmeal on Sneezing vs. Farting [Jul. 1st, 2014|05:41 am]

darylsdixons
[Tags|, ]

I read this and thought of this community right away. Make sure to read the bonus panel!
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